Ex-Wives
Let me tell you what I know about Ex-Wives. I've got too many.
Don't get me wrong, I liked all of them. I liked them when I married
them and I liked them when they were gone. All of the ex-wives get
along with me just fine. I even have a picture of the three of them
together. I call it the First wives club photo meeting without the
chairman of the board, if you know what I mean. All of the ex-wives
talk to me and I even have dinner with them on occasion, although
not all together. We also share info about our families when news
changes. It's just as easy to have a friendship after the marriage, as
it is to have a hateful relationship and be at each other's throat.
Don't get me wrong. I don't want to re-marry any of them, but I
did like them before I married them, and why not treat them the
same way today. Many people don't understand my relationship
with the ex's, especially the mother-in-laws of their present marriages.
That really doesn't bother me because I know where my heart lies,
and maintaining stability with the ex's makes more sense than not.
The children enjoy a respectable relationship without fussing and
fighting or name calling. The wives that I didn't have children with,
I don't see or speak to them often. When I do see them, they
are very cordial and more than likely glad that they are not still with
me. Did I mention that I have put on a few pounds over the years?
The mother of my children is very pleasant, intelligent, and willing
to talk about the children. We are not as close in our private lives,
but when it comes to the children, we are on the same track most
of the time. I think I am better friends with the ex's now than when
I was married to them. Maybe it shouldn't be called marriage. Maybe
it should be called friendship time for life. I guess the day will come
when marriage will not be called for, but personally I enjoyed marriage.
I could always get a woman, just couldn't always keep them. I did
develop some solid friendships along the way and trust me, true
friendship is hard to find, especially a friendship that lasts a lifetime.
It just seems a shame that you have to marry and divorce them to
discover that they would make great life time friends.
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Hooters - Not my cup of Tea
Hooters
Madam rumor tells me that there is a Hooter's coming to town.
To be honest with you I don't know if I am happy or sad. On the
one hand, I am glad that we are getting a new restaurant in town,
somewhere different to eat. My wife says yeah, that's about like you
telling me that you read a certain girlie magazine just for the stories.
Many of you have been to Hooters, I suppose. I hear that the waitresses
wear skimpy outfits, with the tops being too low and the skirts being
too short. I personally would not know. I have never been to a Hooters.
Everything that I have heard about the restaurant has been about the
women. No one ever mentions the food. They do have food don't they?
I can tell you right now my wife is not going to be wanting me staring
at any girl's hooters or short skirts. She and I have talked about this
at length. Her argument is this. What if there was a restaurant for women
called Torso's or T-Tops, or Briefs? She says, would you want me
to go there to eat? Would you want to go with me? Would you want me to
be staring at some strange man with spandex underwear while you are trying
to eat your steak? Doesn't that sound repulsive to you, she ask? When you
put it that way, it does sound repulsive. I was only going to Hooter's and
taking you with me, so that the Hooter girls could see how beautiful you are, I say.
My intentions were never to go in there and gawk at those girls. Pretty much
this approach did not work either and that is why I am saddened by the fact
that Hooters may come to town and I will be close, but probably will never enter
the door. It is sort of like the Garden of Eden. You can look at the apple, just
don't try to partake of it. Yes Dear.
Madam rumor tells me that there is a Hooter's coming to town.
To be honest with you I don't know if I am happy or sad. On the
one hand, I am glad that we are getting a new restaurant in town,
somewhere different to eat. My wife says yeah, that's about like you
telling me that you read a certain girlie magazine just for the stories.
Many of you have been to Hooters, I suppose. I hear that the waitresses
wear skimpy outfits, with the tops being too low and the skirts being
too short. I personally would not know. I have never been to a Hooters.
Everything that I have heard about the restaurant has been about the
women. No one ever mentions the food. They do have food don't they?
I can tell you right now my wife is not going to be wanting me staring
at any girl's hooters or short skirts. She and I have talked about this
at length. Her argument is this. What if there was a restaurant for women
called Torso's or T-Tops, or Briefs? She says, would you want me
to go there to eat? Would you want to go with me? Would you want me to
be staring at some strange man with spandex underwear while you are trying
to eat your steak? Doesn't that sound repulsive to you, she ask? When you
put it that way, it does sound repulsive. I was only going to Hooter's and
taking you with me, so that the Hooter girls could see how beautiful you are, I say.
My intentions were never to go in there and gawk at those girls. Pretty much
this approach did not work either and that is why I am saddened by the fact
that Hooters may come to town and I will be close, but probably will never enter
the door. It is sort of like the Garden of Eden. You can look at the apple, just
don't try to partake of it. Yes Dear.
Merry Christmas to all the Exes'
Christmas - The Joy of Exes'
December is here and with it comes my favorite time of the year.
I suppose Christmas is everyone's favorite, with all the gift giving,
yule time merriment, eggnog drinking, and generally just a good ole'
joy of Christmas feeling.
Not everyone enjoys Christmas as much as I do. Or, to put it more
succinctly, not everyone in my life tries to make Christmas the best that it can be. I have been married three times over the past years, and I can tell you now, every Christmas shares a life experience that most of you do not want to hear. Especially about the exes.
However, in the spirit of the season, I will share them with you anyway. Consider it my gift to you for reading the column.
One of my wives was very free with our money the first year we were married. We had no children. We bought a total of 150 Christmas presents. This equalled to about one present for every human being that we knew. Don't get me wrong. I went along with it and it was sort of fun delivering presents every day of the month.
Did I mention that we received, in return,two presents, and they both were from our parents? We did not give the presents just to receive presents, but I thought it was strange that we would give so much and receive so little in return...
Sort of like the marriage.
One of my wives was of another religion that did not support the theory of giving presents except for a certain eight day period,some time during the month, depending on whose calendar you were using that year. She didn't mind receiving presents. That part, of course, she celebrated. But it worked out fine and we worked through all the disparities of the holidays, as she liked to call it. I could not help that I was born into the religion that celebrated and gave presents, no more than she could help being born into the religion that only lit candles eight days a week.
One of my wives thought that Christmas was only for her. It was all about her needs, her tree, her decorations, her wants, her food, and how much I was going to spend on her each year. By now you realize that she was not the mother of my children. If we had had children, I am quite sure they would have had no presents.The word share was not in her vocabulary. Christmas was pretty much centered around her. Looking back now I realize that everyday of the marriage was centered around her.
Are you starting to get an idea of why my marriages did not work?
Could it have been that I am too judgemental and sort of outspoken? They understood that, which is why the exes and I never celebrate Christmas together. As a matter of fact, I am not sure that we celebrated anything together when we were married.
I still like Christmas; I still celebrate Christmas; I still write about Christmas. I only wish I could go back to the days when I would wake up to the excitement of a new bike, the fresh smell of muffins cooking in the oven, Christmas music playing in the background, and a wife who wanted to sit on my lap and tell me what she got me for Christmas.
A man can dream can't he?
Merry Christmas to you all, even the exes.
December is here and with it comes my favorite time of the year.
I suppose Christmas is everyone's favorite, with all the gift giving,
yule time merriment, eggnog drinking, and generally just a good ole'
joy of Christmas feeling.
Not everyone enjoys Christmas as much as I do. Or, to put it more
succinctly, not everyone in my life tries to make Christmas the best that it can be. I have been married three times over the past years, and I can tell you now, every Christmas shares a life experience that most of you do not want to hear. Especially about the exes.
However, in the spirit of the season, I will share them with you anyway. Consider it my gift to you for reading the column.
One of my wives was very free with our money the first year we were married. We had no children. We bought a total of 150 Christmas presents. This equalled to about one present for every human being that we knew. Don't get me wrong. I went along with it and it was sort of fun delivering presents every day of the month.
Did I mention that we received, in return,two presents, and they both were from our parents? We did not give the presents just to receive presents, but I thought it was strange that we would give so much and receive so little in return...
Sort of like the marriage.
One of my wives was of another religion that did not support the theory of giving presents except for a certain eight day period,some time during the month, depending on whose calendar you were using that year. She didn't mind receiving presents. That part, of course, she celebrated. But it worked out fine and we worked through all the disparities of the holidays, as she liked to call it. I could not help that I was born into the religion that celebrated and gave presents, no more than she could help being born into the religion that only lit candles eight days a week.
One of my wives thought that Christmas was only for her. It was all about her needs, her tree, her decorations, her wants, her food, and how much I was going to spend on her each year. By now you realize that she was not the mother of my children. If we had had children, I am quite sure they would have had no presents.The word share was not in her vocabulary. Christmas was pretty much centered around her. Looking back now I realize that everyday of the marriage was centered around her.
Are you starting to get an idea of why my marriages did not work?
Could it have been that I am too judgemental and sort of outspoken? They understood that, which is why the exes and I never celebrate Christmas together. As a matter of fact, I am not sure that we celebrated anything together when we were married.
I still like Christmas; I still celebrate Christmas; I still write about Christmas. I only wish I could go back to the days when I would wake up to the excitement of a new bike, the fresh smell of muffins cooking in the oven, Christmas music playing in the background, and a wife who wanted to sit on my lap and tell me what she got me for Christmas.
A man can dream can't he?
Merry Christmas to you all, even the exes.
Breast Feeding
BREAST FEEDING by Seth Bradley c2007
Let me tell you what I know about Breast Feeding. It Sucks.
There are two schools of thought on breast feeding and I have
experienced both of them. The first school of thought is that
breast feeding is good for the health of the child. Does that mean
physically or emotionally? One of my wives that breastfed thought
that it would help the child fight diseases because the child would
be getting the benefits of her immune system. She may have been right; however,
she was the wife that stayed in the doctor's office so much that
we had to buy two, four drawer filing cabinets for all of the accumulated
medical receipts. I considered her a hypochondriac because she was
always going to the doctor, but was never sick. The baby might have
gotten her good genes and immune system but he also might
have inherited her hypochondriac syndrome along with inheriting a need to hate
my mother. That is entirely a totally different subject.
The other school of thought on this breast feeding deal is the mother's
desire to bond with the child. I guess as a father I get to bond when
I buy him a car and give him money for gas. I accused my wife of bonding
way too long. At what age should a child stop breast feeding? Her answer
was that the child decides. When the child feels that he is no longer a baby
and wants to be grown up, he will know. I said yes, because his first or
second grade teacher will be calling us to tell us that our son is thirsty.
I think that when a child can walk up to his mother, unclasp her bra, get a
drink, clasp her bra back, and then go out and get on his bike, he can probably
learn to open the fridge door, pour the milk, drink it, wash the glass, and then
go out to play. I could be wrong or as my wife would say, you are just envious.
I agree with her on that 100%. I never have been able to just walk up to her
and... well you know what I am saying. Maybe I am just a tad bit jealous of this
breast feeding thing.
Let me tell you what I know about Breast Feeding. It Sucks.
There are two schools of thought on breast feeding and I have
experienced both of them. The first school of thought is that
breast feeding is good for the health of the child. Does that mean
physically or emotionally? One of my wives that breastfed thought
that it would help the child fight diseases because the child would
be getting the benefits of her immune system. She may have been right; however,
she was the wife that stayed in the doctor's office so much that
we had to buy two, four drawer filing cabinets for all of the accumulated
medical receipts. I considered her a hypochondriac because she was
always going to the doctor, but was never sick. The baby might have
gotten her good genes and immune system but he also might
have inherited her hypochondriac syndrome along with inheriting a need to hate
my mother. That is entirely a totally different subject.
The other school of thought on this breast feeding deal is the mother's
desire to bond with the child. I guess as a father I get to bond when
I buy him a car and give him money for gas. I accused my wife of bonding
way too long. At what age should a child stop breast feeding? Her answer
was that the child decides. When the child feels that he is no longer a baby
and wants to be grown up, he will know. I said yes, because his first or
second grade teacher will be calling us to tell us that our son is thirsty.
I think that when a child can walk up to his mother, unclasp her bra, get a
drink, clasp her bra back, and then go out and get on his bike, he can probably
learn to open the fridge door, pour the milk, drink it, wash the glass, and then
go out to play. I could be wrong or as my wife would say, you are just envious.
I agree with her on that 100%. I never have been able to just walk up to her
and... well you know what I am saying. Maybe I am just a tad bit jealous of this
breast feeding thing.
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